Careless whisper of a deaf soul.. and the drama continues…

By : Al-anoud sarhan

29-3-2011

A day’s tweet while having a glass of water,the smoke filling her chest :

”Don’t be negative, be positive. Who says children are a necessity? Going through all that labor and pain ain’t worth one damn cigarette i stomp! I hate passing by the kindergarten down the street and see all those kids in the playground, can you imagine the noise? I mean THE NOISE!I hate McDonald’s and their stupid happy meals aswell…y3ni …adults collect toys too! Besides, kinder bueno is doing a better job at catchin the lil monsters’ attention.

Whenever me and my husband go to the movies or spend a movie night at home, i am reminded of Shrek the green freak, or this toy story movie my husband adores. He always says: i know my son would have loved it,I’d buy him a happy meal to win his fave character(quite cynic). Now that would be cute no? …pffft……

– A cloud of smoke filling the room –

That’s one of the moments when i smile and turn my back looking for some romantic comedy or a thriller to release the undefined feelings that are choking me la Rab Al-Sama..i sigh ,he interrupts me while digging for another dvd by kidman.i ask : “cold mountain?”nah,that rabbit hole ,bought it yesterday “he replies.. It’s past midnight, “i say, “i am off to bed honey’’ .second day after our 4th anniversary…doesn’t make much difference anymore..

Next morning i am at the office, I receive a call from a good friend of mine who had a baby girl a couple of weeks ago and is throwing a baby shower party,(speaking of men wenlak ham alla yb3tlak )i tried to make excuses so not to attend, but she insisted. I went home after work, prepared lunch, left my hubby a note, then went to the bedroom to find her (some things) among my own infant shop,yep..all colors, little shoes, pretty fittings, milk bottles, diapers and baby wipes, burp towels, feeding spoons, I even have a breast pump! I thought she could use one since I am never gonna use it .eventually i picked one of each and wrapped them as a gift, then took off.

That night when i came back i soaked myself in the bath tub; the water was so hot i dozed off. My husband left me a message, a guys night out again. This has been going on for a while now…i got used to it..Been long enough since i became indifferent. No more roses, no more sex or even cuddling. No more Neruda poems…no more connection…

I guess we all grow up dreaming of having children and being mothers, and depriving me from the only thing that makes me one is just…so unfair.I am seen as wombless mom who failed to deliver, and not entitled to be appreciated on (mother’s day).a desperate wife who couldn’t make her husband share her pain nor please him…i am a woman who’s got nothing to lose now for i know that at this very moment my husband is cheating on me, wrapped in another woman’s arms, Or maybe rocking her back and forth to stab me a million times..

I knew we were both writing our very own ending as i stumbled across a ring he promised to keep around his finger…yeah,right beside the Rabbit Hole dvd..Isn’t it ironic? I took my wedding ring off my finger. I trembled. Hit it against the wall.la awal marra banjan zai hek !i totally lost my mind!. I wept and screamed and smashed all his damn dvds! I went to my room, took the baby clothes out of the closet and burned them all. That was the downfall of my hopes…

Because i am a woman i am bound to suffer in silence. I know i can’t blame my husband but why won’t he see what it’s like to be in my shoes…why won’t he listen to my awes and whispers…i am tired of my own echo…

It’s true. Love fades away when you don’t find a way to hold on to it.at least I know I don’t have to believe In fairytales anymore..shu3oor sayye2 …being weak and helpless w 3aqer !

As anais nin says “We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect.” … I know where I stand now, that’s why I am writing this …I had to pour out my pain and misery on paper.so I can be in the moment, and maybe when I am strong enough I’d be able to read it again in retrospect..

One last line: for all the moms who do not feel appreciated, please give this book a shot : When God created mothers by Erma Bombeck…I am not one of you so I recommend it you know..

Happy endings ain’t my thing 🙂

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