By : Al-anoud

2/3/2010

Tuesday

…It was the moment when the earth stood still,with the wind passing through me and taking away my smile,my sight,my spirit…my soul was heavily chained to his…the chain was so heavy it brought me down to my knees and broke my pride..

I wept for my loss and murdered my soul,buried it in the ashes of a lifeless fire..my body was aching,awaiting the prophecy of forgiveness or redemption for a forbidden pleasure my soul had desired and prayed for..i needed to rest in peace,and just give up fighting for what’s supposed to be mine..

blinded by the sin i took a path,i kept going until i found my self in the middle of nowhere,searching for a hymn to resurrect me and deliver my punishment,for it is only when you breathe in your sorrow you inhale your pain..and when you breathe out your joy you exhale your pleasure..

It was a smooth euthanasia,letting go of the one living in me..just to be another shadow among the dead,chased by the light and the gravity of silence…

Silence…a sheer euphoria for a tortured soul that was kept mute for as long as it was chained,unable to fly with broken wings..

I used to think i am the only one with a dead heart,because as they say living for the sake of breathing

is not living,nor breathing for the sake of living is a living! . Yet under the effect of ”Posthumous’ Ebla” (thanks to epic dude for telling me about it) i continue to turn my feelings in to words,which is an ugly

combination of love,hatred,memories and smiles,lots of tears and swearing lol..sigh..such a formula can have an explosive result… 🙂

Such heavy words,i can feel their weight on my chest …

We all say that we learn from every experience we go through or every mistake we make,the thing is we don’t,and we find pleasure in making a certain mistake again and again and constantly have the guts to justify it.

I cant think of escaping my reality,but I’ve learned to suffer in silence,and accept whatever life throws at me,for there’s a price for everything..and i definitely payed my dues.

I have a confession to make : I’m sick of loving you,and missing you when i don’t know if you miss me or even think of me.I’m sick of crying every time i hear a song that reminds me of you.. I’m sick of being a whiny weak woman in disguise,I’ve learned to listen to my intuition,and ignore your desperate whispers of how much you love me,you cant even say it out loud..lol don’t tell me you are doing what’s best for me..breaking my heart is for my best?i thought you could have done better!

anyway…as a great man once said : in the center of your being you know who you are and you know what you want…having said these wise words,it’s time to live by them!

every time i write something i have a huge mug of nescafe beside me,for some reason i started to believe that this mug is my inspiration ! i don’t want to write a master piece and show off with big words that can barely be pronounced,at the end I’m not a writer..I’m just someone who uses her imagination to feel something,express something..and ditch something 🙂

it’s about having something and giving something up in return,so I’m opening my arms wide open for whatever life offers me,at least i know something’s good is coming on the way because i love with sincerity and hold my head up high…for the first time in my life..i love who i am with all my imperfections and stupid acts and crazy moments,i love Anoud with all my heart for being her self when others wanted her to be someone else ,and when she believed in the phoenix within her that she knew when to rise up from her own ashes again ! way to go girl…and yeah,thanx for handling me :)!

Advertisements