12:32 am Monday

By : Al-Anoud Sarhan

In a masquerade you’re a king who lost his throne. In my eyes you’re a man who lost his shadow. Wandering in and out of life…you waded through long winding passages my dear Ulysse companion…

You are a story to be told, to be written on the palm of my hand, among the countless stories i had woven before…You break the silence with ease, and sing to me in awe when the heavenly wine is running through your veins. You give me grace, I give you inspiration. I give you the lead, but you always hand me the whip…

I speak of a man who greets my mornings with bundles of angel’s trumpet, and seals my nights with kisses of endless goodbyes. A man who -chaotically- wrote down an unforgettable, unforgivable chapter of my senseless journey. A man who knew once he uttered my name that my lips will be calling him like a stolen prayer….

-“What do you think?” I asked.

-‘’Is that it? “Looking at me while inhaling Shisha smoke deeply and humming along with Um Kulthum – Enta 3omri*.

-“No, but i might just be in love without even knowing it, I do not miss him because of (likeness) but because he is my male reflection, I stand before him and i long for a comforting hug between his loving arms. I can put my palm on his and sa..”

-“He is not yours”. He said indifferently. Taking off his jacket and placing it on the back of the chair.

When he said that i just felt like throttling him with my own hands! I am aware that am in denial but how dare he declare such a thing!

-“i didn’t say he’s mine” i shrugged,” but it’s just a piece am writing for my blog, praising my misery in public”…

 

I turned my back on him and poured myself some coffee.

-“Z3elti…You mad at me?”

-“no….”

 

He placed the shisha pipe away, and got up. I could hear the stealthy footsteps towards me.

-“You know how much i care about you…this guy is not worth it! Neswanji! He mingles with every woman he meets and you act like a daily reminder just checking on him and pleasing his falsified ego! Wake the f*** up! He doesn’t even know what to do with his life except for getting drunk and being a pimp all the time! Tell me when was the last time he bothered asking you if you needed anything? When was the last time he thought : ok you know what? Am gonna surprise her with a special thingy she likes. Why are you wasting your feelings on some guy who wouldn’t even know you’re dead or alive in a million years! Waiting for a miracle to happen?!! ”

I remained silent,y3ni b3d hal muwasha7 i cannot justify my stupidity for him. He doesn’t understand what I am going through, how could he possibly do!

-“You don’t know him”

-“Maybe i don’t, but i know what he’s done to you” he grabbed his CDs and cellphone and slammed the door behind him.

 

“Hat 3enek tesra7 fi donyet-hom 3enaya, hat edek terta7 li lamest-hom edaya…

 

I had to turn the music off to protect what’s left of my sanity, agh…He forgot tuma’s CD.i threw myself back on the chair and took a deep breath as i inhaled his perfume on the jacket he left behind…

He, I, and the other man…Just like me, the other man, and his other women …i couldn’t help but laugh at myself…

Being a strong believer of writing therapy I have tried to be optimistic and write something that makes sense, but hey as Ezra Pound says: It is difficult to write a paradiso when all the superficial indications are that you ought to write an apocalypse!

So… I’ve chosen to lay myself on a bed of papers, empty white papers. I will put some effort to understand myself and my intentions regarding men and their truth or dare game. Once you believe in something way powerful and stronger than yourself you just give in and start looking for an excuse to remain weak, and play a stupid playlist of sad love songs, careless whisper w 7amada hilal dayman dumoo3, you know mourning mood songs…

Be smart in love, it is a complicated equation that has not been written down yet. It’s not chemistry, physics or algebra…it’s like a blank page, has limits and edges…all you have to do is fill in the blank and give your heart and mind the chance to sketch their very own vision…

For now I will play Enta 3omri, and enjoy the company of Ezra Pound until I get over the unknown feeling of love and stupidity…

Peace!

*

A song by a famous Arab singer Um Kulthum,the title Enta 3omri means You are my life.

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