By : Al-anoud Sarhan

05/08/11 – Venerdi

 

 

To my one and only (serendipity)…

 

Looking back, it was inevitable. But I still remember how I felt; that tingling sensation, being in love with every tiny detail i traced before me…his eye lashes, his pointy little nose, the mole on his forehead, his funny rags and messy haircut. Beyond his courteous yearning look was a note of perplexity. I was probably too dyslexic to read it. A look that only took me 365 days to decipher …

 

{Scratching a few lines, replaced with zigzags and circles. Lots of effin here and there}

 

I was struggling with my thoughts and the pen held between my sweaty fingers. I shifted my glance to the curtain blowing at my window, I was about to close it but then I felt like standing there and observe the life that is passing me by….

It rained heavily last night, and the rain drops which fell on the glass faded to white long shadowy lines, suddenly I thought of my drama professor who would have said: these are not rain drops! These are tears of heaven! Heaven must have been weeping… I sighed.

Back to my desk, somewhere within me was an urge to make peace with myself, and think of silly soul tormenting questions I was too busy to answer.as if I had my life on a double track, the one am on, and the other lying in the wake. I just couldn’t keep up with both….mainly my desires and my reality conflict. I realized that my inner compass was desperately calling for some re-adjustment.

My 3rd cup of coffee…I wanted a fourth but for some reason I needed a couple of minutes to stay in my place. I looked at my calendar. I wasn’t aware of my silent space, the empty walls, and the clock ticking all at once. I thought: let’s break the chain of silence with some rhythmic jazz fusion…

I came back with coffee and Choco chips. I have this insatiable appetite for Fox’s chocolate chips, they make me smile! And they make me feel good, despite the amount of calories they add to my almighty bum! Who cares, am not posing for sports illustrated anytime soon eh…

So I am half way through self-peace making process, all I have to do is pour out my heart with its scandalous confessions and forgotten feelings on paper and turn them into inked paintings of calligraphy. I should probably ask myself: Ami satisfied with my life? Hmm, sort of. If our idea of perfection comes from us (the imperfect air consuming creatures) then why bothering about standards and evaluations, and trying so hard to be the best (no matter how hard you try sometimes, your best is not good enough in people’s eyes. And I assume you know that already) .even if you are as close to perfection as my lips to the edge of my coffee cup you will never be God, and you’ll die before you catch a ray of sunlight so.. Tranquilize. You are not making the world a better place to live in; we are a bunch of fallacies of a divine lapse. Yes I just said that.

Ami worried about getting older and being a single woman at 25? no, if society thinks I’m worthless because I don’t have a ring around my finger and a (man)to (serve and honour )then hell with it, It’s not my duty to live up to anyone’s expectations. Nothing is a necessity, and not everything is a priority. Once you play a card and pull another you can almost predict your future plans like the lines on the palm of your hand. I pulled mine…and I have earned the title of the queen of spades.

Do I wish to turn back time? Sometimes, I believe all of us make mistakes and hit rock bottoms every now and then. I just envy those who were born in the 1950s and the 1960s, they’ve seen it all and done it all, and lived every bit of life in a colourful manner. Even if they had committed the most outrageous deeds I believe they have had enough time to do their penance and be forgiven! LoL

Do I miss him? I felt the coldness of the floor but it was too much trouble for me to find my warm slippers under the desk. A voice from within asked me again: Do you miss him? – I dropped the pen.no I don’t, he’s long gone. Yes you do the voice said. I was enraged, I answered angrily: I don’t fuckin miss him!

I pushed the desk away and went back to the window, it’s raining… It all still lingers on me, and yet the forgotten feelings were well kept after all…I was the one who walked away.at that moment I felt time was standing still, and I was still a year behind my calendar…

I locked my window, turned off the side lamp while Diana Krall singing ‘’the look of love’’, mesmerized by the jazzy mood I lay my head under the pillow thinking of the unwritten part of my journey. I’d love to relive one more serendipity perhaps? …

 

P.S. Self-Peace making process successfully marked as failed.

 

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