I stare at the phone ,4:18 am .
My recollections of that evening with him are rather vague.I can’t seem to remember how we got into a fight because of my trust issues, but I guess it was a deal-breaker…or not.
I always fail to be honest with him,at least feelings wise; as if I could lose my dignity if I really tell him
how much I love him: since the first time I saw him and in the few ways my heart and mind knew how to love,yet bridging the gap between his past and our future is nothing but uncertainties for me.
We always agreed that we are only good friends,for me it was like falling in love with a chess board;black and white : he defies me and competes against me yet he ridiculously reflects my inner madness as if he already knows all my moves.there is always a missing link though…( and that’s where I’m check-mated or not) …how do we upgrade friendships to friends with benefits to situation-ships ,then to serious relationships and/or marriage?
I do need to see a therapist,ofcourse I’m a mad woman !
He’s definitely the King of firsts in my life : first online Jordanian friend on a dating website that no longer exists,first kiss,first hangover,first hash cigarette,first mindfuck debate I ever had with a guy who apparently read me well and marked his territory on my body,first guy to receive the complete works of jibran Khalil jibran from my book collection ( yes,jibran is THAT important to me) .and the first time I ever cuddled a cat .Yes,his cat ( which mysteriously disappeared without a trace). Hmmmm…
Now that we actually have a chance to see if this could lead us somewhere ,I decide to push him away,I can’t be too close nor too far.and am not ashamed to admit that am too selfish to let go ,yet too independent to share my self ,my life and my insecurities with him.
I don’t know if I could teach him how to accept me the way I am ,without him running a stupid compatibility test as if I’m an old iOS version for his damn iphone6 !
I miss him ,really.that evening forced me to whisper those words into his ears after he forced his tongue into my mouth.can I call that a tongue slip? Can I take it back?the warmth of his body against mine has a whole different meaning of peace and agitation altogether .i know that the noise my head deliberately plays fuckin loud distracts me from fully immersing into those intimate moments we share ,hence the grumpy cat (aka moi) jumps off the sofa and runs away .but what do I do? Are those the early signs of schizophrenia ?
Should I walk away ?should I stay and see how it goes? What if he breaks my heart?what if?WHAT IF!!!!!
Maybe I should make a list of the things I don’t like about him ? But I even like the things I don’t like about him!
Myself is kinda lost between my and I ,trying to make sense of this nonsense: my goodness! It’s 5:06 am and you’re arguing with your own reflection in the mirror! How do you find this debate darling? A dialectic Marxist one? Calling my and I to unite ? Very productive ? May you never see a perpetual peace in your life without myself ! Go get the other you ,you idiot !
So here we are : the three of me debating,aljazeera who! That’s ten times powerful than a CNN effect ! This is not a blog post ,only ramblings of a Jordanian woman who ;as Steinbeck puts it : “was born lost and takes no pleasure in being found” .
Myself : thanks for the go get him push,it’s not battle field ,or is it? Perhaps there’s one already sharing his pillow,and counting his heartbeats as we debate and type on WordPress app for iPad,which is getting better and better I have to say .
Keep you and I out of it,what the fuck has this WordPress app got to do with what “we’re ” discussing here! Get some sleep ! What a nonservation !
Sarkasmos serious mode on.